Kingdom Wars: Sora's Conquests
by Queens of the mole people
Summary: each chapter is a diff story. sora decides to take over the entire kingdom hearts world. with goofy and donald by his side, nothing can go wrong...actually, thats not true. written by Insanity. review if you WISH TOO LIVE!
1. A Charming Victory Part 1

**Disclaimer:** i do not own any of the disney or kingdom hearts characters in this story. they are owned by sony or...something...i dont really know.

**Warning: **this story contains the major bashing of all disney and some kingdom hearts characters. enjoy.**

* * *

**

**THE KINGDOM WARS:**

**SORA'S CONQUESTS**

**A CHARMING VICTORY: PART ONE**

After destroying so many heartless in the first two years of his existence where people cared, Sora realized that he was far more superior than all that lived in the Kingdom Hearts story-land. He decided to use his strength and insane lack of empathy to take over the entire Kingdom Hearts world. After forcing Goofy and Donald to accompany him, Sora set out to his first world of choice to dominate. This was the Kingdom of King Fatstache and his son Prince Charming.

Sora and his comrades were hiding behind a large pillar in the King's meeting hall, listening to his every word. They had parked their Gummi ship, the _Fuck Riku,_ in a forest clearing just outside the village. Sora listened intently to King Fatstache's plans as he stood perched on Goofy's face, not because he needed to see over something, but because he felt like it.

" Every eligible maiden must attend! Charming must be married by tomorrow tonight so that I may have grandchildren and not be a lonely old sod!" The King bellowed, smacking his advisor across the face with a painting of his hand (you see, he was too rich to use his actual hand).

"But sire," said the Grand Vizier Maximus Monocle, "Charming will be sure to suspect-"

" But what could be more fitting for his return from the Kingdom Wars than a great ball. If he just happens to meet the girl of his dreams, who are we to stop him?" King Fatstache chuckled at his own genius and then struck a nearby servant with a painting of his scepter.

" As you wish sire. I shall notify the villagers immediately." And with that, Monocle and the King took their leave.

" Hmmm," Sora mused, " a royal ball eh? This could come in handy with my overtaking of this palace." Sora pondered for a moment, making Goofy stroke his chin for him for effect.

"Aha!" he exclaimed, " I have the perfect plan! We shall overtake a house on the outskirts of town and wait for the vizier to arrive with the invitation. First we kill him, then, using one of the dresses of the hostages, we dress Goofy as a…uh…fair, maiden. Then we marry him off to the Prince and have him make his first royal decree as Princess be the hiring of the new vizier…ME! We shall then take the King and Prince prisoner, telling the villagers that they're dead, and I, being the sole heir, will take the throne!!!" He cackled madly and Goofy struggled under the weight of his gargantuan shoes as he shook with insane laughter.

"Of coarse," he continued, " If all else fails, we simply take the Kingdom by force, using my newly powerful KEYBLADE!!! I got it off KeyBay when we defeated whoever we defeated in Kingdom Hearts 2."

Their plan made, the three crusaders traveled in disguise through the village ( Sora as a rich Noble, Donald as a servant and Goofy as a sack of potatoes) to the outskirts of town. They soon came upon an old manor with ivy growing up the walls and inactive fountain in the courtyard. Sora decided it was best that they observe the inhabitants for the day and find out when the best time to take over would be. The grand Vizier arrived later that afternoon and delivered the invitations for the ball. Once he was out of sight from the house, Sora skewered him with his Keyblade and chucked the body behind some bushes. After that, he continued his observations. By the end of the night, Sora figured he had a pretty good idea about how things were run, but he couldn't wait any longer for the perfect attack time.

Not bothering to knock, Sora busted the door down using Goofy as a battering ram and stomped into the hall.

" Who lives here?! I demand you come down here at once and be captured," he screamed like a psychopath. Sure enough, a senile woman, two hideous girls and a relatively good-looking one plus a cat and some mice came into the hall from various parts of the house.

" Alright now," Sora yelled, " you are all now my hostages!" At this the bitch-looking ancient and her two sideshow freak daughters huddled together in fear. The pretty servant girl on the other hand stepped forward.

" You mean I won't be doing chores for that old hag and the two he-women anymore?" She had much hope on her face.

" Uh yeah I guess," Sora said stupidly, " You just gotta be all…you know…hostagey and junk."

The girl danced around and yelled with delight. " You know, I'd be happy to work for you, as long as you let me make their lives a living hell." She seemed very delighted at this, but Sora had other plans.

" Now you listen to me you insolent slave! I have been observing this house for the past twenty-four hours and it seems there are some changes in order. The crusty old witch has treated you badly, but if you do not obey me I assure you I shall be far worse!! Now, first things first, the pig-faced cat named after the devil will be my lieutenant and oversee the hostages, as he proved to be both entertaining and cruel. Next, the mice seemed to be pulling most of the weight of the chores and were quite handy when it came to making you a dress for the ball, so they will each be rewarded with a potato from Goofy's sack and will then alter the girl's dress to fit Goofy. You servant girl, what's your name?"

" It's Cinderella."

" Ew. Ok whatever. Cinderservant will guard the hostages, as they will be confined to one room."

" Why are you doing this you deranged maniac?" This was the old woman speaking, her eyes wide with fear and anger.

" Because I can you wrinkled old she-devil! Now, you have your orders, GET TO IT!!" And with that, the hostages went to their positions and Sora gave each of the mice a potato before beating the rest of them out of Goofy for dinner later.

" As it grew dark, and Goofy was dressed and ready for the ball, Sora realized that he had forgotten a crucial element of his plan: transportation.

" Oh! How could I have been so ignorant! We can't take Goofy to the ball on foot! They won't believe he's noble enough to marry the prince!" Sora paced back and forth in front of the hostage room, pouring hot oil on Donald to calm his mind.

" Well…" said Cinderella, who was quite enjoying her guard duty, " when ever I have a serious problem, my fairy godmother helps me."

" What? You mean you can summon that old crone? I haven't seen her since I murdered Merlin back at the beginning of the Kingdom Wars. How can you get her here?" Sora was becoming excited, and he thanked Satan for his good luck.

" Well, last time she showed up when I was crying because my dad died. But I don't really know how to just call her." Cinderella shrugged, regretting sharing her information as she saw the devious look on Sora's face.

" I have a plan," he said sinisterly, " we'll set up an anti-fairy barrier circle in the courtyard, then, Cinderella will cry and pretend to be devastated because she can't go to the ball. Then, when the magic hag appears, Cinderella runs out of the circle and we have her trapped! It's brilliant!" He cackled maniacally and smacked one of the mice off the banister.

" How're ya gonna make an anti-fairy circle Sora? Hyuck!"

" Simple Goofy," Sora said, " we draw a circle using the blood of a simpleton." He took a dagger from his pocket and made to cut himself, but then quickly turned and cut Donald's right wing off.

Donald screamed in pain. "Hey!" he raged in his incomprehensible duck speech, " What did you do that for! I thought you were going to cut yourself! SCRAAAHHBBABBBAAAAHHHH!! (whatever Donald's angry outcries sound like.)"

"Fool! You think I would scar my own flesh! You're simpler than I thought! I would have used Goofy but we need him in good condition or the Prince will never fall for him." He then drew a circle with Donald's bloody wing and then chucked it into the empty fountain.

" Well, that's that. Now Cinderella, you're up!" Sora grabbed Goofy and the slowly-bleeding-to-death-Donald and hid behind a large tree. Cinderella stepped reluctantly into the circle and kneeled in the center. She began to cry rather weakly until Sora threw a stick at her and yelled for her to be more convincing. He threw the stick so hard that when it hit her she cried for real, which worked out nicely. Before long, there was an annoying glittery **pop **and the Fairy Godmother appeared. Cinderella ran quickly out of the circle and onto the lawn. The Fairy Godmother was puzzled and tried to follow her, but she was knocked back when she attempted to cross the blood line.

Sora jumped from behind the tree, laughing in triumph. " Aha! We caught her! Good work Cinderella, you shall be head of palace guard when I take over."

Cinderella, who had still been crying a bit from having a stick chucked at her, beamed and her tears stopped.

" Now that I have you trapped Fairy Godmother, you will do as I say or remain trapped in the circle forever!" Sora whipped at rock at her, which she then attempted to throw back but it bounced off the circle's walls and hit her in the eye.

" Ha ha! Things can go in, but not out!" Sora cackled and danced around the circle chanting like a tribal chieftain.

" What do you want you horrible little beast?!" The Fairy Godmother bellowed, one hand over her swollen eye.

Sora stopped dancing and went close to the circle. " I need you to create a carriage and some horses for us to go to the ball. And throw in a footman and some whisky while you're at it."

" Never! Why should I help you after what you've done to me!" The Fairy Godmother attempted to beam herself out of the circle, but the spell backfired on her and burned all her hair away.

" Well, if you want to play it that way…suppose I decide to put a running hose inside the circle? Then what eh? Things go in but not out! So I suggest you do as I command before you find yourself in a watery grave old witch!" Sora chucked several more rocks at her until she finally gave in.

" All right! I'll do it you heartless monster!"

" That's more like it. Horses and carriage, and MAKE IT SNAPPY!"

The Fairy Godmother waved her wand and the broken fountain twisted and turned until it became a glorious stone carriage. The mice were turned into five noble steeds (there should have been six but the mouse that Sora knocked off the banister died from the fall). Sora opened the carriage door and inspected it.

" Not bad grandma relatively good craftsman ship and…what the fuck! Donald's bloody wing is in here!" Sora threw the wing into the circle, but it missed the Fairy Godmother.

" Well you did throw it into the fountain after you cut it off him," said Cinderella, who was tossing random stones and leaves into the anti-fairy ring.

" Oh yeah," Sora said, " well, it'll do, but we need a footman…and where's my whisky!"

The Fairy Godmother waved her wand once more, turning Donald into a half-dead, one-armed footman and the Lieutenant cat into a large bottle of whisky. Sora drank the whisky cat in one gulp and then chucked the bottle at the Fairy.

" Well, now that all is finished, I suppose we'll be off. Cinderella, stay here and guard the Fairy Godmother and the other hostages until we return. This shouldn't take long, seeing as I swiped a love potion from Merlin before I killed him and burned his house down. We'll just slip it into the Princes drink when he's not looking and he'll fall for Goofy the instant he sees him, providing he's the first thing he sees." With that, Sora loaded himself and Goofy into the carriage, stepped on Donald as he went. Donald got into the drivers seat and cracked the horses' whip. The horses jolted forward, knocking him off the seat and trampling him as the carriage traveled swiftly along the dirt road towards Fatstache's castle.


	2. A Charming Victory Part 2

**KINGDOM WARS:**

**SORA'S CONQUESTS**

A CHARMING VICTORY-PART 2

The ballroom of Fatstache's palace was filled completely with every available maiden in the kingdom. The cavernous walls of the room glowed with blue and purple lights that reflected off the gilded carvings of the surrounding pillars. Goofy and Sora were standing at the back of a small crowd waiting for their turn to meet Prince Charming, who had just returned that day from the Kingdom Wars. He appeared very tired and bored and sat on his throne drinking liquor while girl after girl stepped up to meet him.

" Alright Goofy now here's the plan," Sora whispered as the Announcer called out another name, " I told the announcer that your name is Goofina Kensingtonshire. When he calls your name, I'll position myself behind the throne and pour Merlin's love potion into the Prince's liquor while he's distracted by your hideous appearance. He's bound to take a swig to drink away the ugly and then when he looks up…he falls madly in love with you!! It's foolproof! Now wait in line while I go hide behind the Prince." Sora pushed Goofina towards the line of suitors and slunk over to the Prince's throne. It was made of Ivory with Gold lining. Sora at first considered stealing it, but then remembered he was going to take over anyway so that would be pointless, and impossible considering that the Prince was sitting on it. He crept up behind the throne and uncorked the small pink vial of love potion and waited for the right moment.

Goofy meanwhile, was next in line and was feeling very nervous. He thought the Prince was sure to see through his disguise and arrest them. He was getting sweating with anxiety, and then at last, the Announcer called, " Lady Goofina Kensington."

Goofy started up the long red carpet towards the Prince, his hands shaking with fear. There was a wrinkle in the carpet and Goofy tripped and yelled "Hyork!" but quickly regained his balance. Fortunately, the Prince was already so drunk that he didn't notice Goofy's hic cry of surprise. He did however, notice that the girl coming towards him looked like a grotesque dog-man. In attempt to drown out her hideous, he took a large gulp of his malt liquor. Little did he know, Sora had already poured the potion in. At first the Prince had a glazed look on his face, but then he began to shake and convulse. He shook so much that he fell off the throne. His eyes were changing colours rapidly, and then he began to change shape. He started to sprout white feathers all over his body. Then an orange beak jutted out where his nose and mouth had once been. After several minutes, the Prince was completely unrecognizable and had stick-like, talon-studded legs and two white wings four arms.

The ball guests were screaming and panicking, not knowing whether to help the Prince or run from him. Meanwhile Sora, still behind the throne, looked at the bottle's label. It read: Dove Tonic; Merlin Industries. Sora smashed it on the ground, infuriated with himself for not picking the right vial, and with Merlin for making a jackass potion like Dove Tonic.

"WHO IN THE BLOODY HELL MAKES A DOVE POTION?!!!" Sora screamed, running out from behind the throne and into the panicking crowd. " I see that I have no choice but to take the Kingdom by force!" Sora climbed to the top of the throne. He then grabbed his pimped-out Keyblade from out of nowhere as usual and blasted a line of fire through the crowd. Immediately, the uninjured people turned to look up at him.

"YOU HAVE LEFT ME NO CHOICE, CITIZENS OF FATSTACHE'S KINGDOM! YOU WILL ALL BOW TO ME NOW BEFORE I DESTROY YOU ALL!" Sora yelled at the top of his lungs. He then fried the bird-Prince with a bolt of lightning. The Prince's body tuned all black and charred and he held up one of those cartoony signs saying 'OW'.

At once the citizens dropped to their knees and Sora cackled in triumph. He noticed from the corner of his eye that a particularly fat king was attempting to escape.

"NOT SO FAST YOUR MAJESTY! OR SHOULD I SAY…" Sora pointed his Keblade at the king's retreating ass. "…YOUR DEADJESTY!!!" Sora then blasted King Fatstache with a deadly bolt of pure hatred from his Keyblade and he fell to the floor, evil skulls of hate dancing round him.

" NOW MY NEW SUBJECTS, SINCE YOUR KING IS DEAD I DECLARE MYSELF HIS SUCCESSOR. YOU WILL ALL BOW TO MY AWSOME POWER AND ATTEND TO MY EVERY WILL, BUT FIRST, I HAVE SOME CHANGES TO MAKE. Goofy! Take this down!!" Sora smacked Goofy with the blunt end of his keblade, messing up all his disguise make up so that he actually looked more hideous, which was pretty much impossible for him. Sora turned the nearest man into a pen and paper pad and Goofy picked them up to start writing. Sora continued:

"ROYAL DECREE NUMBER ONE: ALL FOOD WILL BE GROWN SORELY FOR THE KING, that's me, AND WILL BE DESTRIBUTED AMOUNG THE CITIZENS BASED ON HOW MUCH THEY AMUSE ME. ROYAL DECREE NUMBER TWO: ALL MICE WILL REPORT TO THE CASTLE IMMEDIATELY AND BECOME MY PERSONAL TAILORS. THEY WILL BE PAID IN POTATOES AND NOTHING ELSE!! ROYAL DECREE NUMBER THREE: YOU WILL ERECT A MASSIVE STAUE OF MY LIKE NESS IN THE TOWN SQUARE. IT WILL BE MADE FROM GOLD THAT YOU WILL PROVIDE YOURSELVES. MY FINAL DECREE IS THAT IN MY ABSENCE, CINDERELLA, MY CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD, WILL BE MY SECOND IN COMMAND AND WILL RULE WHILE I'M OUT CONQUERING. THAT IS ALL FOR NOW." Sora jumped down from the throne and shot Goofy in the hand with his 9mm in celebration. Just then, Donald came crawling in, his missing wing still bleeding. He had been transformed back into his normal self after the spell wore off. Sora looked at him with disgust as he collapsed on the ballroom floor.

"EW. Somebody wipe him up, and repair his arm for God's sake! I don't want him dead and bleeding all over my fancy new palace!" Sora kicked Donald in the ribs and then sauntered off to oversee the production of his statue.


	3. Sora and the Seven Graves Part 1

**THE KINGDOM WARS: SORA'S CONQUESTS**

**Chapter 2: Sora and the Seven Graves**

One day, as he and his two loyal followers Donald and Goofy were sailing through the stars, Sora spotted a strange new planet that he had never noticed before.

"What the shit?" he exclaimed, "Where the holy fuck did that planet come from?"

"Well," started Goofy, but Sora got so enraged from his hickspeak that he ripped the steering wheel off off the ship and smacked him nearly to death with it. It was only after several straight minutes of harsh beating that he noticed that they were now falling into the mystery planet's orbit. He tried to steer them away, but of course he had ripped the steering wheel off, so they were soon plummeting toward the surface of the strange new planet.

Sora awoke to the sweet sound of singing, only it wasn't sweet to him because he despised music that was not the squeals of injured innocents. He left Goofy and Donald in the ship's wreckage, making a mental note to go back for them later, and headed towards the mysterious singing. He soon came upon a high brick wall, and the singing seemed to be coming from the other side.

"Shit," said Sora, and ran back to the ship and grabbed Goofy and Donald. When he got back to the wall, he threw their unconscious bodies into a pile and used them to climb up the wall. As he reached the top, he saw that the singing was coming from a black-haired scullery maid. She was singing about love or some shit, and was pulling water up from a well. Sora was about to yell at her to shut up, but a noise from behind him caused him to look down instead. Some prince-looking freak in tight pants was trying to use his corpse pile to get up over the wall, obviously to find out who the singer was too. Sora tried to smack him away, but the Prince was too fast and leaped over Sora to the other side. Once he was there, he began singing along with the girl.

"How the screw does he just know the words already?" Sora yelled. He looked over again and saw that the girl had run up into some castle, and was now singing on a balcony. The Prince was acting all lovey-dovey and kissing an actual dove so that it could deliver the kiss to the girl. As it flew up, Sora shot the dove with an arrow from his crossbow, and then ducked down behind the wall. In their love that SOMEHOW was stronger than anything even though they just met, the girl and the Prince didn't notice the dove corpse as it dropped to earth and landed in the well. Sora looked back, but this time, his eyes were on the castle.

"That would make a fantastic edition to my castle collection," he thought, and started to plot it's takeover. He jumped down to the ground.

"Wake up you lazy shits," he screamed at Donald and Goofy's slowly stirring bodies, "we've got work to do!"

Sora, after successfully entering the castle unnoticed, was now perched atop Goofy's shoulders as they, along with Donald, hid behind a large curtain in the throne room. The whole room was dark and sinister, with wine-coloured fabrics hung about and a giant mirror in the corner that had a smokey face in it. Sora was currently watching as the castle's Queen, some bitch wearing a nun-looking dress with a crown on top, was talking to the smoke-face.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest in the land?" She said. The smoke face frowned.

"That wasn't a rhyme bitch! I can't answer unless it's a rhyme!"

"Oh," the Queen said, then started again.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest...of...them...all?"

"Okay whatever," the smoke-face said, rolling it's eyes. "The fairest one is dear Snow White. She works for you...and you're a bitch."

The Queen bared her teeth angrily. "That didn't rhyme!"

"I never said MINE had to rhyme!" With that, the smoke-face disappeared from the mirror, laughing as it faded.

Sora watched as the Queen called for the local huntsman. When he arrived, she told him to go and kill Snow White.

"But not only that," the Queen said, "I want you to bring her heart back in _this_." She handed the huntsman and small black box that was nicely painted, and had a heart-shaped clasp. The huntsman looked nervous and sad, but he took the box anyway, bowed, then left.

_She must be a fearsome Queen, _thought Sora, _if they obey her like that._ _And what is that box? It must be magic, and human hearts are what it needs to feed that magic. Hearts I can readily supply, but I need that box! Perhaps it shall be useful in overthrowing that old bitch!_

"I have a plan," he said to Donald and Goofy, "But we need to get that box!"

Sora, Donald and Goofy stalked the Huntsman as he followed the newly-fired Snow White into a field of flowers. She was just about to walk into the woods, when the Huntsman came up behind her, knife at the ready. Sora and the others ran and hid behind a nearby tree. They watched as Snow White turned and screamed, but the Huntsman had her trapped with a rock to her back. The Huntsman raised his arm, about to bring down the knife into Snow White's heart, and Sora rubbed his hands together in anticipation for the slaughter to come. But he was sorely disappointed. The Huntsman lowered his knife, and instead told Snow White to run away into the woods. As she took off, the Huntsman took the magic box from his bag, and spoke his plan aloud.

"I shall instead bring the Queen the heart of a pig, that way she won't know that I've deceived her!"

_Pussy, _thought Sora, and he was about to go and murder the Huntsman and take the box, but Snow White suddenly rushed from the woods and beat him to it. She stole the Huntsman's knife as his back was turned, then stabbed him with it. She then took the box from his dead hands.

"Finally," she said to herself, "now I can finally bring down that bitch who enslaved me and have the castle for myself!" She started to laugh, but stopped as Sora stepped from behind the tree into her view.

"Very clever Snow White, but I'm afraid that was my plan as well, and you'll find I'm not partial to sharing!" He conjured his Keyblade and was about to skewer Snow White, but she ran into to the woods and took off.

"Goddamnit! Why do they always run!" screamed Sora to the sky.

"Hyuck, maybe 'cuz ya always threaten to murder-"

"Shut the fuck up Goofy!" Sora smacked Goofy with the hunting knife he had just pulled from the dead Huntsman's back. He then handed it to Donald.

"Keep this handy Duckfuck. You never know when it might be useful." He pulled them both into the clearing. "And now, we go after that box. I have a feeling that it's keeper can provide a fresh heart for it's sustenance."

Sora used his superior tracking skillz to follow Snow White through the woods. As he and Donald and Goofy followed the trail of crushed leaves and broken twigs, they soon came upon a small cottage that was nestled in between some trees and shrubs. The three of them crept closer, Sora using Goofy as a shield just in case Snow White had prepared an ambush. But as they got close enough to see in a dusty window, it didn't appear that way. Snow White was indeed inside the cottage, but instead of planning for battle, she was dancing about, singing and cleaning up the layers of filth that had settled inside the little hovel. Some animals had joined her and were helping out.

_What a crazy bitch, _Sora thought, _however, I underestimated her. Clearly she has the power to summon animals to do her bidding_. He was about to bash the door down and take the box, when he heard some jolly whistling from the distance, headed their way.

"Oh shit! Someone's coming! Quick, get behind that water trough!" He pushed Donald and Goofy behind the little water basin and crouched low.

As they looked on, a band of seven little half-people came marching through into the clearing, all whistling and singing Hi-Ho.

"Why the fuck does everyone sing around here?" Sora said to himself. He watched as the dwarves marched into the cottage, which they obviously owned. Sora grabbed Donald and Goofy and pulled them to the window. They watched as the dwarves discovered Snow White, and began to question her about why she was in their home.

"Well, you see," Snow White said, batting her eyes, "I was chased here by a crazed lunatic. He wanted to kill me!"

_Oh here we go..._Sora thought. He watched as the Dwarves fell for Snow White's story and offered her their beds and food and everything.

_People will do anything for a pretty girl, _Sora thought. Then it dawned on him. He turned to Donald and Goofy.

"Boys, I've got a plan." He said slyly, then stabbed Donald through the foot with the hunting knife for good luck.


End file.
